"50 Secrets Your Vet Won’t Tell You."
1. Your dog smells awful.
2. “Abstinence-Only” education is as effective as neutering.
3. Advantage Flea Control is as expensive as it is because the money goes to flea crime lords who then focus their attention on dogs where they aren’t getting “protection money.”
4. Dogs lick their butts because dog poop tastes like Godiva Chocolate.
5. Vets request fecal samples because of number four.
6. FDR knew the Japanese were about to attack Pearl Harbor.
7. Your children are ugly.
8. Vets can tell if you masturbate without getting your pets out of the room.
9. Apple is already suffering from a lack of creativity and vision since the death of Steve Jobs.
10. Ant-Man will be in “The Avengers” this May.
11. Veterinarians are organizing a midnight raid of the headquarters of “1-800-PET MEDS.”
12. “Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom” is worse than “Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull.”
13.Your cat really, truly, without a shadow of a doubt does not give a shit about you.
14. The fourteenth item on any list is usually filler.
15. Your dog feels that a leash demeans you both…
16. Yet it loves wearing sweaters. Seriously.
17. Your texting and driving is freaking out your cat.
18. Your hamster wishes to stop being referred to as a “disposable pet.”
19. The goldfish won at fairs have an average lifespan greater that those of Galapagos Tortoises.
20. That Galapagos Tortoise at the fair can’t be won without trading in four smaller animals.
21. And that basketball hoop is smaller than it looks. And bouncy.
22. A blog post based on a list of fifty items seems like a good idea when you get started, but then gets less and less satisfying.
23. Bo Obama is not a purebred. Have you seen his AKC papers?
48. It is easy to lose count.
49. People usually don’t notice.
50. It’s the thought that counts.