I ONLY use “Multi-Purpose Spoons.” Fuck spoons who are very centered and focused on a singular purpose! I want me a renaissance spoon! Or a spoon with ADD! Multi-Purpose Spoons kick ass!
- They provide an alternative to soup scalded hands.
- They can be used to cover one eye at the optometrist.
- They can be used to help you eat stuff that’s all liquidy and shit.
- They can be used to unsuccessfully cut steak.
- They can be used to cover the OTHER eye at the optometrist.
- They can be used to demonstrate a sleeping position that your girlfriend likes but that there is no damn way to actually sleep while doing.
- They can be used as swimming pools for your pet fleas.
- They can be used for taking way too long to dig a hole.
- They can be used as an environmentally sound reusable alternative to toilet paper.
- They can be used to do imprecise scale testing of that deal where you step on a rake and it flies up in your face and goes like, “THUUUUUNNGGG!!!!”
- They can be used to save your voice by holding one up when someone asks “What’s that in your hand?” (Caveat: Must be holding spoon in hand when asked)
- They can be used as carving knives to really fuck up that Thanksgiving turkey. That’ll teach ‘em! YOU THINK I RUINED THANKSGIVING LAST YEAR BY CRYING, MOM?! WELL, GOOD LUCK HAVING A DECENT THANKSGIVING WITH THAT BIRD!!!! WHO’S CRYING NOW, HUH?! WHO’S CRYING NOW!?!?!?!
- They can be held if a robber tells you, “Drop everything except the spoons.”
- They can be used as marital aids. Assuming your partner likes spoons in their hoo-haa or po-po.
On a related note, fuck forks!