Rewind Sunday

wellthatsjustgreat:

I ONLY use “Multi-Purpose Spoons.” Fuck spoons who are very centered and focused on a singular purpose! I want me a renaissance spoon! Or a spoon with ADD! Multi-Purpose Spoons kick ass!

• They provide an alternative to soup scalded hands.
• They can be used to cover one eye at the optometrist. 
• They can be used to help you eat stuff that’s all liquidy and shit.
• They can be used to unsuccessfully cut steak. 
• They can be used to cover the OTHER eye at the optometrist. 
• They can be used to demonstrate a sleeping position that your girlfriend likes but that there is no damn way to actually sleep while doing. 
• They can be used as swimming pools for your pet fleas.
• They can be used for taking way too long to dig a hole.
• They can be used as an environmentally sound reusable alternative to toilet paper.
• They can be used to do imprecise scale testing of that deal where you step on a rake and it flies up in your face and goes like, “THUUUUUNNGGG!!!!” 
• They can be used to save your voice by holding one up when someone asks “What’s that in your hand?” (Caveat: Must be holding spoon in hand when asked) 
• They can be used as carving knives to really fuck up that Thanksgiving turkey. That’ll teach ‘em! YOU THINK I RUINED THANKSGIVING LAST YEAR BY CRYING, MOM?! WELL, GOOD LUCK HAVING A DECENT THANKSGIVING WITH THAT BIRD!!!! WHO’S CRYING NOW, HUH?! WHO’S CRYING NOW!?!?!?!
• They can be held if a robber tells you, “Drop everything except the spoons.” 
• They can be used as marital aids. Assuming your partner likes spoons in their hoo-haa or po-po. 

On a related note, fuck forks!

Ag.

Me: What makes them dirty?
Her: Look.
Me: (looks)
Her: Well?
Me: That’s disgusting?
Her: Uh huh.
Me: Who would someone want to put something shaped like that in their mouth?
Her: Your mom?
Me: Touché.

I ONLY use “Multi-Purpose Spoons.” Fuck spoons who are very centered and focused on a singular purpose! I want me a renaissance spoon! Or a spoon with ADD! Multi-Purpose Spoons kick ass!

• They provide an alternative to soup scalded hands.
• They can be used to cover one eye at the optometrist. 
• They can be used to help you eat stuff that’s all liquidy and shit.
• They can be used to unsuccessfully cut steak. 
• They can be used to cover the OTHER eye at the optometrist. 
• They can be used to demonstrate a sleeping position that your girlfriend likes but that there is no damn way to actually sleep while doing. 
• They can be used as swimming pools for your pet fleas.
• They can be used for taking way too long to dig a hole.
• They can be used as an environmentally sound reusable alternative to toilet paper.
• They can be used to do imprecise scale testing of that deal where you step on a rake and it flies up in your face and goes like, “THUUUUUNNGGG!!!!” 
• They can be used to save your voice by holding one up when someone asks “What’s that in your hand?” (Caveat: Must be holding spoon in hand when asked) 
• They can be used as carving knives to really fuck up that Thanksgiving turkey. That’ll teach ‘em! YOU THINK I RUINED THANKSGIVING LAST YEAR BY CRYING, MOM?! WELL, GOOD LUCK HAVING A DECENT THANKSGIVING WITH THAT BIRD!!!! WHO’S CRYING NOW, HUH?! WHO’S CRYING NOW!?!?!?!
• They can be held if a robber tells you, “Drop everything except the spoons.” 
• They can be used as marital aids. Assuming your partner likes spoons in their hoo-haa or po-po. 

On a related note, fuck forks!

Ag.

Thank, God! I finally found a source of “Multi-Purpose Spoons!” That means I can get rid of all of my single use spoons. Including:

• My Soup Spoon
• My Cereal Eating Spoon
• My Coke Spoon
• My Mashed Potato Eating Spoon
• My Steak Spoon
• My Self Defense Spoon 
• My Neti Pot Fluid Catching Spoon
• My Couple of Silver Spoons
• My Musical Spoons-although I may need to abandon my work in progress “Symphony for Spoons in D Minor” (the saddest of all keys)
• My Back Scratching Spoon and Butt Scratching Spoons. On a related note, if I invite you over, ask me before you start eating with any of my spoons.
• My Four Tined Spoon…wait…that’s my fork.

My life just got so much simpler!

Ag