American Sports Columnists Apply Their Brilliant Soccer Logic To The Rest Of Your Life
You: This World Cup has been great. I've really enjoyed it!
American Sports Columnist: Feh. No one will give a crap about soccer after the World Cup is over. It will never be as popular as football!
You: Okay. Hey. I just saw "Book Of Mormon. I really enjoyed it.
American Sports Columnist: Feh. No one cares about theater other than Tony award winning plays. And plays will never be as popular as movies.
You: ...okay. Just because it's not as pop...never mind. Do you want to go to dinner? I tried a new Japanese restaurant last night. It's really good.
American Sports Columnist: Feh. Japanese food is a niche cuisine. There will never be a Japanese restaurant chain as big as McDonald's!
You: You're a total douche.
American Sports Columnist: "Douche" is a trendy insult right now and might be completely appropriate in this context but most people would have just told me to shut the fuck up. Do you really think calling people "douche" will ever be more popular than telling them to "shut the fuck up?"
American Sports Columnist: "Douche" sounds really European too.
What I learned tonight…
Nothing can withstand the the wrath of the mighty Godzilla!
They too will fall to his power!
After a while.
You are not ugly! *hopes this isn't weird to say considering age differences* *just trying to be nice but honest* No but really, you're not! You always look scholarly and nice/approachable.
Sincere Response: Aw. Thanks. Trying to get better at taking a compliment so…thanks.
Informed-By-Knowledge-Of-Male-Psychology Sarcastic Response: Yes. There are few things that men find “weirder” than younger women complimenting their appearance. Never do that again. Oh so very weird.
Ag Style Response: Really? You couldn’t just say I wasn’t ugly? Had to call out that I’m old? Gosh! Thanks! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d best be off before I miss the early bird special at the Golden Corral.
Dear Guy Playing Music At This Restaurant
Congratulations on being the only guy who ever heard Neil Young’s “Harvest Moon” and said to himself, “When I cover this song I’m going to make the change that everyone is crying out for: I’m going to slow down the tempo even more!”
There are some people I keep as friends on Facebook just so every once in a while I can look at what they post and be reminded why I hate them.
Hmmm. We may be having difficulty communicating due to generational differences or perhaps how our diverse life experiences have shaped our unique world views but I’m willing to wager that the real issue is that you’re just a self absorbed douche.
Still better than children.
Her: So how was the cruise?
Me: Fine. Royal Caribbean cruise patrons were a bit older than expected though.
Her: How old?
Me: I'd say the average age on our ship was "Died A Week Ago."
You notice that the majority of these advice peddlers and semi professional motivators stress that the keys to success and happiness are under our control. “Stay Positive” and “Envision success” and you can make the future you want. I guess those philosophies may be true, but I also know that they’re popular because they’re comforting. You probably wouldn’t buy a book called, “You’re Fucked.” No one’s signing up for a seminar titled “We Did A Lot Of Research And Can Report That You Really Shouldn’t Even Try Any More.”
Ag-Who is getting tired of hearing it
Saw “Saving Mr Banks” Last Night.
It was excellent. They did take some artistic license with the historical record, though. For example, in reality Walt Disney in the 1960s was not played by Tom Hanks.
Not exactly a sleeper.
So I can only assume that the next stage of the marketing campaign for “Anchorman 2” is for them to purée prints of the film, come to all of our homes and feed the slurry into each of us individually via catheter.