Well, That's Just Great

Yesterday’s new Ducky post!

Ag

Best Buy Employee: Can I help you, sir?

Me: Yes. I’m not completely satisfied with my new iPhone.

Best Buy Employee: Too long? Too thin? Not enough heft?

Me: No. It’s just that this new iPhone seems to have been made with absolutely no thought to how I am supposed to transport my favorite dust particles and air bubbles with me over the next two years.

Best Buy Employee: Ah! We have something that can take care of that!

It’s depressing that the nightmares that upset me the most are the ones where I’m just dreaming about a reasonably plausible variation on my current reality. When I was a kid I had terrible nightmares about being chased by monsters that wanted to eat me. These days I wake up screaming from dreams where all that happens is I forget that I have to go to an extra staff meeting this week with these people.
wellthatsjustducky:

Me: Hey, Duck. Where’s the rest of your fuzzy?
Ducky: …
Me: …
Ducky: Inside.
Me: …
Ducky: Me. Inside me.
Me: I thought so.
Ducky: Daddy?
Me: Yes, Duck?
Ducky: I miss my fuzzy.
Me: Sorry, Duck. 
Ducky: I didn’t appreciate how much I liked my fuzzy until it was gone.
Me: Yes. Such is life, I’m afraid. We don’t always appreciate the things and people we love until…
Ducky: We eat them.
Me: …
Ducky: …
Me: I was going to say “until they’re gone.”
Ducky: …
Me: …
Ducky: Same sentiment.
Me: I guess.
Ducky: I love you, Daddy.
Me: I love y…
Ducky: …
Me: …
Ducky: What?
Me: Don’t try to eat me.
Ducky: That’s silly.
Me: Uh huh.
Ducky: I’m far too full from this fuzzy.
Me: I love you, Ducky.
Head over to wellthats.com for information on our book and follow us at "Well That’s Just Ducky" for a new Ducky post every Sunday at 7:00 p.m. ET!

wellthatsjustducky:

Me: Hey, Duck. Where’s the rest of your fuzzy?

Ducky:

Me:

Ducky: Inside.

Me:

Ducky: Me. Inside me.

Me: I thought so.

Ducky: Daddy?

Me: Yes, Duck?

Ducky: I miss my fuzzy.

Me: Sorry, Duck. 

Ducky: I didn’t appreciate how much I liked my fuzzy until it was gone.

Me: Yes. Such is life, I’m afraid. We don’t always appreciate the things and people we love until…

Ducky: We eat them.

Me:

Ducky:

Me: I was going to say “until they’re gone.”

Ducky:

Me:

Ducky: Same sentiment.

Me: I guess.

Ducky: I love you, Daddy.

Me: I love y…

Ducky:

Me:

Ducky: What?

Me: Don’t try to eat me.

Ducky: That’s silly.

Me: Uh huh.

Ducky: I’m far too full from this fuzzy.

Me: I love you, Ducky.

Head over to wellthats.com for information on our book and follow us at "Well That’s Just Ducky" for a new Ducky post every Sunday at 7:00 p.m. ET!

wellthatsjustgreat:

At the grocery store. Orange juice was available as:

  • No Pulp
  • With Pulp
  • MORE Pulp
  • LOADED With Pulp

They did not have the other levels which are, in order of increasing pulpitude:

  • Loaded With Even More Pulp
  • Extra Loaded With Lots Of Pulp
  • Holy Shit, That’s A Lot Of Pulp
  • Seriously. There’s A Lot Of Pulp In This Motherfucker.
  • Stop Fucking With Me. Who Would Want This Much Pulp?
  • I’m Not Fucking With You. There’s So Much God Damned Pulp In This Sumbitch That You Should Forget A Straw Because You’ll Need A Fucking Ladle.
  • Screw The Ladle. Get A Carving Knife.
  • No Longer Juice. Slightly Damp Pulp.
  • An Orange

Ag

Kohler has a new touchless toilet. You flush it by waving your hand over the tank.
Yes. I’m sure that’s what I’d wave over the tank to flush it.
My hand.

Ag

Kohler has a new touchless toilet. You flush it by waving your hand over the tank.

Yes. I’m sure that’s what I’d wave over the tank to flush it.

My hand.

Ag

International Talk Like a Pirate Day 2014

There’s still time to celebrate International Talk Like A Pirate Day! Try working these phrases into conversation tonight!

  • Excuse me. Could you direct towards the port? My ship is set to sail presently.
  • So sorry that I can’t keep up. Afraid my wooden leg is a skosh loose today and it’s hindering my ability to maintain a consistent pace on this constitutional.
  • Dearest Mildred. Thank you ever so much for the case of limes. I feel confident they shall keep my scurvy at bay.
  • I don’t know, Trevor. Maybe you’re a pirate because your dad was a pirate. Maybe that’s why I’m one too but all that matters is what you want right now. Do you want to be a pirate or do you want to study dance? They’re both right decisions,Trevor, but I can’t decide for you. Yo-ho-yo-ho. This life may not be for you.

On a related note, fuck you and your stereotypical assumptions about pirate diction.

Ag

I think we can all agree that this made downloading iOS 8 totally worth it. 

Ag

I think we can all agree that this made downloading iOS 8 totally worth it.

Ag

Our motto: We’re less dangerous but we try to hurt you harder.
Ag

Our motto: We’re less dangerous but we try to hurt you harder.

Ag

wellthatsjustducky:

Ducky: It’s dinnertime!
Me: No it’s not, Ducky.
Ducky: Yes it is!
Me: Afraid not.
Ducky: I specifically heard you say “Dinnertime!”
Me: The Lady and I are going out for a little bit. I said to her that we need to be home by dinnertime.
Ducky: There it is again! Two dinnertimes! Double foods!!!
Me: …
Ducky: …
Me: I think you’re confused about how dinnertime works.
Ducky: Three-sies!
Me: But that’s pretty good counting for a dog.
Ducky: You say, “Dinnertime!” and then you get up and scoop my food into my bowl. Every time.
Me: I say it to announce that it’s dinnertime…
Ducky: Four! Better get started!
Me: Saying, “Dinnertime!” acknowledges dinnertime. It doesn’t trigger dinnertime.
Ducky: I’m going to need a bigger collar.
Me: It’s noon, Ducky. I’m sorry I said that word.
Ducky: What word?
Me: …
Ducky: I may be hungry.
Me: I love you, Ducky.
Ducky: I love you, Daddy.
Head over to wellthats.com for information on our book and follow us at "Well That’s Just Ducky" for a new Ducky post every Sunday at 7:00 p.m. ET!

wellthatsjustducky:

Ducky: It’s dinnertime!

Me: No it’s not, Ducky.

Ducky: Yes it is!

Me: Afraid not.

Ducky: I specifically heard you say “Dinnertime!”

Me: The Lady and I are going out for a little bit. I said to her that we need to be home by dinnertime.

Ducky: There it is again! Two dinnertimes! Double foods!!!

Me:

Ducky:

Me: I think you’re confused about how dinnertime works.

Ducky: Three-sies!

Me: But that’s pretty good counting for a dog.

Ducky: You say, “Dinnertime!” and then you get up and scoop my food into my bowl. Every time.

Me: I say it to announce that it’s dinnertime…

Ducky: Four! Better get started!

Me: Saying, “Dinnertime!” acknowledges dinnertime. It doesn’t trigger dinnertime.

Ducky: I’m going to need a bigger collar.

Me: It’s noon, Ducky. I’m sorry I said that word.

Ducky: What word?

Me:

Ducky: I may be hungry.

Me: I love you, Ducky.

Ducky: I love you, Daddy.

Head over to wellthats.com for information on our book and follow us at "Well That’s Just Ducky" for a new Ducky post every Sunday at 7:00 p.m. ET!