If you can’t get the kid to play Bible Trivia, move on to Bible Hearts. And if that doesn’t work, fuck it. Let the little sinner play Go Fish.
“You know who likes Go Fish, Billy? Satan. So get good at it. You’ll be playing it for eternity.”
Ag
I’m circle 2 … or 4… mostly 2.
A few observations:
- Welcome to Hell’s Vestibule. Please be seated on Satan’s Ottoman.
- I assume “The Indecisive” refers to the folks who decide whether or not others go to hell, not people who can’t decide whether or not they want to go to hell themselves. They’d be insufferable wherever they ended up. “Yeah, I could have gone to Heaven. I chose Hell. I was really won over by that ottoman in the vestibule.”
- Or does it mean that indecisive people spend eternity in Hell’s waiting room? “Remember all those times you were a pain in the ass when we were trying to pick a place for lunch, Lou? Well maybe you can think about that while Lucifer decides if he has room in the pit for you! Now if you’ll excuse me, we’re going to Burger King.”
- I saw “The Unbaptised And The Virtuous Pagans” at The Viper Club. They opened for Cerberus.
- And the “City of Dis?” Orlando or Anaheim?
Ag
I may have discovered a serious case of corruption
I’ve been listening very closely and wanted to make sure I was correct before posting. I’ve spent a week checking and double checking and I can stay silent no longer.
I’m pretty sure the devil should have won Johnny’s soul.
Maybe the devil’s kiss-ass demon band is throwing me, but I think Johnny stole that golden fiddle. Or the devil wanted to lose. I don’t know. I just know something is fishy.
And if I lose my faith in the devil in matters of challenges for one’s soul, what’s there left to believe in?
Can anyone help me with “The devil won! Johnny is a fraud!” logos/t-shirts?
Dear Prospective Awful Chain Restauranteur
Rewind Sunday: Originally posted August 16, 2009
Re: Your Menu
Thank you for the diligent effort you have put forth thus far in launching your own chain of painfully mediocre suburban-based sit-down restaurants! Once again, I think you will be very pleased that you chose to locate your flagship restaurant in the ChesterView Commons strip mall that is opening this month and not the archaic dinosaur that is the Chesterfield Commons strip mall that was built almostthree years ago across the street. Great business are born when leaders of vision such as yourself make such bold choices.
Your initial order has been fulfilled and will be delivered within two business days. Per the contract that you signed with our organization, I have provided you with the key building blocks of any successful chain restaurant:
- Two pallets: obscenely salted tortilla chips
- Three 45 gallon drums of salsa
- Four each of the “Medium” and “Habanero” salsa enhancing agent vials
- Forty-five 45 gallon drums of peanut oil
- Four flat screen tvs
- One pallet of all purpose theme and style establishers, including at least:
- Twenty-five road signs
- Two oversized novelty animals (or heads of said animals)
- Two cartons of the least interesting merchandise available from your local sports team(s)
- One copy of my “Hiring and Leading the Apathetic” handbook
- One seating Hostess with grease pen
I have identified one issue with your application in need of resolution. Unfortunately, the name chosen for your fried onion appetizer, “Onion Jones,” is already being used by “Jack of all Trades” in Memphis, Tennessee. Please forward to me a new name as soon as possible. To assist you, I have included a list of already claimed names for onion based appetizers:
- Blooming Onion (Outback)
- Awesome Blossom (Chili’s)
- Texas Tonion (Longhorn)
- Rockin’ Onion Petals (Logan’s)
- Cactus Blossom (Texas Roadhouse)
- Un-Dead-ion (Zombie Bar & Grill)
- Deep Fried Tear Jerker (Jerkie’s Smokehouse)
- $8.59 for $1.08 worth of product (Muckfudder’s)
- Battered Bulb Bites (J.R. McFadden’s)
- Young’un Onion (Johnny Cakes-Kid’s Menu Only)
- Batter Up-ion (WangDiddlers)
As soon as I receive an acceptable substitute name I will continue with the processing of your order. Thank you again and I look forward to our ongoing partnership!
Sincerely,
Satan
Ag
Wanna **** your pants? Watch this. Satan claymation.
I’ve seen this before. So creepy. I think it was part of a kids show and they had this episode band from television. I could be wrong.
Well that’s kinda mesmerizing! Happy Halloween! Ag
Wow! What a coinkidink! 666 posts! I have a birthmark on my head that looks like “666.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to ride my tricycle around the second floor. “Oh, Mother dear? Keep watering that fern, mother!”
Ag
Re: Your Menu
Dear Prospective Awful Chain Restauranteur,
Thank you for the diligent effort you have put forth thus far in launching your own chain of painfully mediocre suburban-based sit-down restaurants! Once again, I think you will be very pleased that you chose to locate your flagship restaurant in the ChesterView Commons strip mall that is opening this month and not the archaic dinosaur that is the Chesterfield Commons strip mall that was built almost three years ago across the street. Great business are born when leaders of vision such as yourself make such bold choices.
Your initial order has been fulfilled and will be delivered within two business days. Per the contract that you signed with our organization, I have provided you with the key building blocks of any successful chain restaurant:
- Two pallets: obscenely salted tortilla chips
- Three 45 gallon drums of salsa
- Four each of the “Medium” and “Habanero” salsa enhancing agent vials
- Forty-five 45 gallon drums of peanut oil
- Four flat screen tvs
- One pallet of all purpose theme and style establishers, including at least:
- Twenty-five road signs
- Two oversized novelty animals (or heads of said animals)
- Two cartons of the least interesting merchandise available from your local sports team(s)
- One copy of my “Hiring and Leading the Apathetic” handbook
- One seating Hostess with grease pen
I have identified one issue with your application in need of resolution. Unfortunately, the name chosen for your fried onion appetizer, “Onion Jones,” is already being used by “Jack of all Trades” in Memphis, Tennessee. Please forward to me a new name as soon as possible. To assist you, I have included a list of already claimed names for onion based appetizers:
- Blooming Onion (Outback)
- Awesome Blossom (Chili’s)
- Texas Tonion (Longhorn)
- Rockin’ Onion Petals (Logan’s)
- Cactus Blossom (Texas Roadhouse)
- Un-Dead-ion (Zombie Bar & Grill)
- Deep Fried Tear Jerker (Jerkie’s Smokehouse)
- $8.59 for $1.08 worth of product (Muckfudder’s)
- Battered Bulb Bites (J.R. McFadden’s)
- Young’un Onion (Johnny Cakes-Kid’s Menu Only)
- Batter Up-ion (WangDiddlers)
As soon as I receive an acceptable substitute name I will continue with the processing of your order. Thank you again and I look forward to our ongoing partnership!
Sincerely,
Satan
