Well, That's Just Great
wellthatsjustducky:

A classic Ducky post for Father’s Day.
wellthatsjustgreat:

Ducky: Thanks, Daddy.
Me: For what?
Ducky: For taking me out.
Me: Kinda’ gotta, Ducky. You need to go potty.
Ducky: I know. But I can tell you don’t always want to. Especially when you’re comfy on the couch or in the daddy bed.
Me: It’s my job, Ducky. It’s what daddies do.
Ducky: Why didn’t you and mommy ever get one of those human doggies?
Me: …
Ducky: …
Me: You mean have a baby?
Ducky: Yeah. They seem very popular.
Me: They are. Just wasn’t right for your mom and me. And honestly I never thought I’d be a very good daddy.
Ducky: Why?
Me: Lots of reasons. I’m pretty selfish. Fairly lazy. I don’t make a lot of money. And then there are all of the things about me that don’t need to be passed on into the gene pool. I think I would feel awful if I created another depressed, anxious, underachieving loner. I can handle being unhappy. I don’t think I could handle having created an unhappy child.
Ducky: Oh. So all those people with human doggies decided to get them because they thought that they’d make great mommies and daddies?
Me: A lot of them did. But I think usually the condom just breaks.
Ducky: What does that mean?
Me: Never mind.
Ducky: You’re a good daddy to me, Daddy.
Me: You don’t always think so.
Ducky: You want consistent emotion, get a hamster.
Me: Fair enough.
Ducky: You’re a good daddy to me. Thanks for being my daddy.
Me: Thanks, Duck.
Ducky: Happy Daddies Day, Daddy. I love you.
Me: Thanks, Duck. I love you too.
Ag

wellthatsjustducky:

A classic Ducky post for Father’s Day.

wellthatsjustgreat:

Ducky: Thanks, Daddy.

Me: For what?

Ducky: For taking me out.

Me: Kinda’ gotta, Ducky. You need to go potty.

Ducky: I know. But I can tell you don’t always want to. Especially when you’re comfy on the couch or in the daddy bed.

Me: It’s my job, Ducky. It’s what daddies do.

Ducky: Why didn’t you and mommy ever get one of those human doggies?

Me:

Ducky:

Me: You mean have a baby?

Ducky: Yeah. They seem very popular.

Me: They are. Just wasn’t right for your mom and me. And honestly I never thought I’d be a very good daddy.

Ducky: Why?

Me: Lots of reasons. I’m pretty selfish. Fairly lazy. I don’t make a lot of money. And then there are all of the things about me that don’t need to be passed on into the gene pool. I think I would feel awful if I created another depressed, anxious, underachieving loner. I can handle being unhappy. I don’t think I could handle having created an unhappy child.

Ducky: Oh. So all those people with human doggies decided to get them because they thought that they’d make great mommies and daddies?

Me: A lot of them did. But I think usually the condom just breaks.

Ducky: What does that mean?

Me: Never mind.

Ducky: You’re a good daddy to me, Daddy.

Me: You don’t always think so.

Ducky: You want consistent emotion, get a hamster.

Me: Fair enough.

Ducky: You’re a good daddy to me. Thanks for being my daddy.

Me: Thanks, Duck.

Ducky: Happy Daddies Day, Daddy. I love you.

Me: Thanks, Duck. I love you too.

Ag

The kinds of conversations we have
Me: So, kids are potty trained at like, what, two?
Gizmo: I guess. Two or three.
Me: Wow. So when you have a kid you are committing to wiping another human being's ass for three years?
Gizmo: Yup.
Me: ...
Gizmo: ...
Me: And this is a human being you've never even met!
Gizmo: Uh huh.
Me: ...
Gizmo: ...
Me: It's not like your brother calls you and says, "I need to ask a favor. Will you wipe my ass for three years?" No this is like, "Hey, you know when you told the RA that you wanted a roommate? Well he's moving in with you in nine months and you'll need to wipe his ass whenever he poops until the end of his junior year."
Gizmo: ...
Me: Parents are insane.
We’re living in a society! Screw meteors, get the scientists working on this ASAP!

We have a problem.

No one thinks that they’re stupid, but if you’ve ever been in public you know that most people are, in fact, complete morons. And I think the issue isn’t a lack of inherent intelligence but more the fact that people are increasingly distracted and that distraction leads to profound situational stupidity.

We can’t change that, but it would be nice to be aware of the approximate “Situational Intelligence” (SI) of the people you’re dealing with. We should all wear hats that show our SI at any given moment. You go to check out at the grocery store you can see the SI of every cashier and everyone in line and decide “That line is longer but they are some focused, smart motherfuckers at the moment! I’m going there to pay for my Cheez-Its and tripe!”

IQ could be used as a baseline. The hat would then scan the person and the surroundings and make the appropriate adjustments. For example, say you enter a fast food restaurant:

  • You have a smartphone= -5 points
  • You have your smartphone out= -10 points
  • Your smartphone is a Blackberry= -20 points
  • It’s your first time in that establishment= -10 points
  • You have children= -20 points
  • You have children with you= -100 points
  • You have your method of payment out and ready while in line= +10 points
  • That method of payment includes a rubber change purse= -30 points
  • You are with friends= -10 points
  • You are with friends and you think you’re the funny friend= -50 points
  • While in line you think about things like magic hats that display intelligence scores and honestly think hats like that couldn’t be that hard to invent= -200 points

Now, I don’t know how to build the technology, but it can’t be that hard so get cracking, smart people!

I’ll be over here working on scoring.

Ag

From Fathers Day Last year
wellthatsjustgreat:

Ducky: Thanks, Daddy.
Me: For what?
Ducky: For taking me out.
Me: Kinda’ gotta, Ducky. You need to go potty.
Ducky: I know. But I can tell you don’t always want to. Especially when you’re comfy on the couch or in the daddy bed.
Me: It’s my job, Ducky. It’s what daddies do.
Ducky: Why didn’t you and mommy ever get one of those human doggies?
Me: …
Ducky: …
Me: You mean have a baby?
Ducky: Yeah. They seem very popular.
Me: They are. Just wasn’t right for your mom and me. And honestly I never thought I’d be a very good daddy.
Ducky: Why?
Me: Lots of reasons. I’m pretty selfish. Fairly lazy. I don’t make a lot of money. And then there are all of the things about me that don’t need to be passed on into the gene pool. I think I would feel awful if I created another depressed, anxious, underachieving loner. I can handle being unhappy. I don’t think I could handle having created an unhappy child.
Ducky: Oh. So all those people with human doggies decided to get them because they thought that they’d make great mommies and daddies?
Me: A lot of them did. But I think usually the condom just breaks.
Ducky: What does that mean?
Me: Never mind.
Ducky: You’re a good daddy to me, Daddy.
Me: You don’t always think so.
Ducky: You want consistent emotion, get a hamster.
Me: Fair enough.
Ducky: You’re a good daddy to me. Thanks for being my daddy.
Me: Thanks, Duck.
Ducky: Happy Daddies Day, Daddy. I love you.
Me: Thanks, Duck. I love you too.
Ag

From Fathers Day Last year

wellthatsjustgreat:

Ducky: Thanks, Daddy.

Me: For what?

Ducky: For taking me out.

Me: Kinda’ gotta, Ducky. You need to go potty.

Ducky: I know. But I can tell you don’t always want to. Especially when you’re comfy on the couch or in the daddy bed.

Me: It’s my job, Ducky. It’s what daddies do.

Ducky: Why didn’t you and mommy ever get one of those human doggies?

Me:

Ducky:

Me: You mean have a baby?

Ducky: Yeah. They seem very popular.

Me: They are. Just wasn’t right for your mom and me. And honestly I never thought I’d be a very good daddy.

Ducky: Why?

Me: Lots of reasons. I’m pretty selfish. Fairly lazy. I don’t make a lot of money. And then there are all of the things about me that don’t need to be passed on into the gene pool. I think I would feel awful if I created another depressed, anxious, underachieving loner. I can handle being unhappy. I don’t think I could handle having created an unhappy child.

Ducky: Oh. So all those people with human doggies decided to get them because they thought that they’d make great mommies and daddies?

Me: A lot of them did. But I think usually the condom just breaks.

Ducky: What does that mean?

Me: Never mind.

Ducky: You’re a good daddy to me, Daddy.

Me: You don’t always think so.

Ducky: You want consistent emotion, get a hamster.

Me: Fair enough.

Ducky: You’re a good daddy to me. Thanks for being my daddy.

Me: Thanks, Duck.

Ducky: Happy Daddies Day, Daddy. I love you.

Me: Thanks, Duck. I love you too.

Ag

Your child’s fitness program:
Cardio
Skills
Retrieve
Retrieve? It’s good to know that children have the same exercise regimen as Ducky.

Ag

Your child’s fitness program:

  • Cardio
  • Skills
  • Retrieve

Retrieve? It’s good to know that children have the same exercise regimen as Ducky.

Ag

Ducky: Thanks, Daddy.
Me: For what?
Ducky: For taking me out.
Me: Kinda’ gotta, Ducky. You need to go potty.
Ducky: I know. But I can tell you don’t always want to. Especially when you’re comfy on the couch or in the daddy bed.
Me: It’s my job, Ducky. It’s what daddies do.
Ducky: Why didn’t you and mommy ever get one of those human doggies?
Me: …
Ducky: …
Me: You mean have a baby?
Ducky: Yeah. They seem very popular.
Me: They are. Just wasn’t right for your mom and me. And honestly I never thought I’d be a very good daddy.
Ducky: Why?
Me: Lots of reasons. I’m pretty selfish. Fairly lazy. I don’t make a lot of money. And then there are all of the things about me that don’t need to be passed on into the gene pool. I think I would feel awful if I created another depressed, anxious, underachieving loner. I can handle being unhappy. I don’t think I could handle having created an unhappy child.
Ducky: Oh. So all those people with human doggies decided to get them because they thought that they’d make great mommies and daddies?
Me: A lot of them did. But I think usually the condom just breaks.
Ducky: What does that mean?
Me: Never mind.
Ducky: You’re a good daddy to me, Daddy.
Me: You don’t always think so.
Ducky: You want consistent emotion, get a hamster.
Me: Fair enough.
Ducky: You’re a good daddy to me. Thanks for being my daddy.
Me: Thanks, Duck.
Ducky: Happy Daddies Day, Daddy. I love you.
Me: Thanks, Duck. I love you too.
Ag

Ducky: Thanks, Daddy.

Me: For what?

Ducky: For taking me out.

Me: Kinda’ gotta, Ducky. You need to go potty.

Ducky: I know. But I can tell you don’t always want to. Especially when you’re comfy on the couch or in the daddy bed.

Me: It’s my job, Ducky. It’s what daddies do.

Ducky: Why didn’t you and mommy ever get one of those human doggies?

Me:

Ducky:

Me: You mean have a baby?

Ducky: Yeah. They seem very popular.

Me: They are. Just wasn’t right for your mom and me. And honestly I never thought I’d be a very good daddy.

Ducky: Why?

Me: Lots of reasons. I’m pretty selfish. Fairly lazy. I don’t make a lot of money. And then there are all of the things about me that don’t need to be passed on into the gene pool. I think I would feel awful if I created another depressed, anxious, underachieving loner. I can handle being unhappy. I don’t think I could handle having created an unhappy child.

Ducky: Oh. So all those people with human doggies decided to get them because they thought that they’d make great mommies and daddies?

Me: A lot of them did. But I think usually the condom just breaks.

Ducky: What does that mean?

Me: Never mind.

Ducky: You’re a good daddy to me, Daddy.

Me: You don’t always think so.

Ducky: You want consistent emotion, get a hamster.

Me: Fair enough.

Ducky: You’re a good daddy to me. Thanks for being my daddy.

Me: Thanks, Duck.

Ducky: Happy Daddies Day, Daddy. I love you.

Me: Thanks, Duck. I love you too.

Ag

I'm a very sensitive friend.
Her: Sorry. It's that time of the month.
Me: Yay for you!!!
Her: ...
Me: It means you're not pregnant! Yay!
Her: ...
Me: What?
Her: Men! If you care enough for a woman to sleep with her is having a baby with her really the worst thing in the world?
Me: ...
Her: ...
Me: Is there a raucous venereal disease that is incurable and that will drain me of all of my finances for 18 years, force me to give up all of my dreams, and hold me legally liable for it's actions all while being thoroughly ungrateful and embarrassing me in public?
Her: ...
Me: ...
Her: No.
Me: Then yes, it is the worst thing in the world.
(via likeneelyohara)
Uh huh! See!? Told you! Children=Evil!!!!! Ag

(via likeneelyohara)

Uh huh! See!? Told you! Children=Evil!!!!! Ag

Maybe my favorite moment in Simpsons history. Such a funny, poignant episode that captures so much of what it feels like to be a man who has reached that point in your life when you realize you have to grow up; the kind of growing up you have to do well after everyone assumes you’ve already been an adult for years.
Watch this episode from season six, “And Maggie Makes Three,” and then listen to Jonathan Coulton’s “You Ruined Everything.” Then cry like a man. You know…not as much as you want to! Ag
(via thekingofjoy)

Maybe my favorite moment in Simpsons history. Such a funny, poignant episode that captures so much of what it feels like to be a man who has reached that point in your life when you realize you have to grow up; the kind of growing up you have to do well after everyone assumes you’ve already been an adult for years.

Watch this episode from season six, “And Maggie Makes Three,” and then listen to Jonathan Coulton’s “You Ruined Everything.” Then cry like a man. You know…not as much as you want to! Ag

(via thekingofjoy)