We have a problem.

No one thinks that they’re stupid, but if you’ve ever been in public you know that most people are, in fact, complete morons. And I think the issue isn’t a lack of inherent intelligence but more the fact that people are increasingly distracted and that distraction leads to profound situational stupidity.

We can’t change that, but it would be nice to be aware of the approximate “Situational Intelligence” (SI) of the people you’re dealing with. We should all wear hats that show our SI at any given moment. You go to check out at the grocery store you can see the SI of every cashier and everyone in line and decide “That line is longer but they are some focused, smart motherfuckers at the moment! I’m going there to pay for my Cheez-Its and tripe!”

IQ could be used as a baseline. The hat would then scan the person and the surroundings and make the appropriate adjustments. For example, say you enter a fast food restaurant:

• You have a smartphone= -5 points
• You have your smartphone out= -10 points
• Your smartphone is a Blackberry= -20 points
• It’s your first time in that establishment= -10 points
• You have children= -20 points
• You have children with you= -100 points
• You have your method of payment out and ready while in line= +10 points
• That method of payment includes a rubber change purse= -30 points
• You are with friends= -10 points
• You are with friends and you think you’re the funny friend= -50 points
• While in line you think about things like magic hats that display intelligence scores and honestly think hats like that couldn’t be that hard to invent= -200 points

Now, I don’t know how to build the technology, but it can’t be that hard so get cracking, smart people!

I’ll be over here working on scoring.

Ag

I just finished my last big training run for the back to back 1/2 marathon/marathon in January. 20 slow miles. I just tried to get out of car and realized I have become Tim Conway.

I am an old, broken man.

Ag

Sincere Response: Thanks, sea-bear, holycheeseandcrackers, and littlespirals. This post wasn’t a passive aggressive cry for attention, but I’ll always take it! Especially from good peeps.

Ag Style Response: *Hmmmm…whine about never getting messages…get messages* Damn it! I am never sent tasteful nudes of beautiful young women. Or not so tasteful nudes. Or money. My followers never send me money (single tear).

Response To Ag Style Response From Someone Who Knows Kayfabe All Too Well: Ugh. Really probably should have disabled “Photo Replies” after complaining about not getting nudes.

Ag

dontmakemagsmad answered your question: Sooooooo…

Didn’t realize I was following my dad… Jk, my dad isn’t nearly this preachy

Sincere Answer: Preachy? Sorry. I was going for condescending.

Ag Style Answer: You’re right. Your Dad isn’t as preachy. Your mom told me all about him last night.

Ag

I was going to spend today creating and posting some new creative content along with a selection of “best of” content since I have a few new followers. But it appears that, unlike me, most of you have plans on this beautiful holiday weekend that don’t involve you just staring at a computer monitor all day.

Well la dee fucking dah for you, life havers.

Ag

So I say that means once the divorce is final my eligible dating age range has a new acceptable low of like 21. Woo hoo!

On a related note, no, I don’t care if the person was telling the truth. So just SHUT UP!

Ag

To the person who hung this outside my window…f*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have more Marx Brothers clips to post as soon as my arthritic hands allow me.

Ag