Ever since “Exquisite Flooring of West Orange” opened up, their rivals just haven’t been able to compete. In the last year, all of the following business have closed in the area:
- Mediocre Flooring of West Orange
- Central Florida So-So Tile Works
- Shitty Linoleum Inc.
- You’ll Take Our Sub Par Floorboards And Poor Craftsmanship And Like It: Orlando
Today I delivered unprecedented levels of mediocrity.
Dear Prospective Awful Chain Restauranteur
Rewind Sunday: Originally posted August 16, 2009
Re: Your Menu
Thank you for the diligent effort you have put forth thus far in launching your own chain of painfully mediocre suburban-based sit-down restaurants! Once again, I think you will be very pleased that you chose to locate your flagship restaurant in the ChesterView Commons strip mall that is opening this month and not the archaic dinosaur that is the Chesterfield Commons strip mall that was built almostthree years ago across the street. Great business are born when leaders of vision such as yourself make such bold choices.
Your initial order has been fulfilled and will be delivered within two business days. Per the contract that you signed with our organization, I have provided you with the key building blocks of any successful chain restaurant:
- Two pallets: obscenely salted tortilla chips
- Three 45 gallon drums of salsa
- Four each of the “Medium” and “Habanero” salsa enhancing agent vials
- Forty-five 45 gallon drums of peanut oil
- Four flat screen tvs
- One pallet of all purpose theme and style establishers, including at least:
- Twenty-five road signs
- Two oversized novelty animals (or heads of said animals)
- Two cartons of the least interesting merchandise available from your local sports team(s)
- One copy of my “Hiring and Leading the Apathetic” handbook
- One seating Hostess with grease pen
I have identified one issue with your application in need of resolution. Unfortunately, the name chosen for your fried onion appetizer, “Onion Jones,” is already being used by “Jack of all Trades” in Memphis, Tennessee. Please forward to me a new name as soon as possible. To assist you, I have included a list of already claimed names for onion based appetizers:
- Blooming Onion (Outback)
- Awesome Blossom (Chili’s)
- Texas Tonion (Longhorn)
- Rockin’ Onion Petals (Logan’s)
- Cactus Blossom (Texas Roadhouse)
- Un-Dead-ion (Zombie Bar & Grill)
- Deep Fried Tear Jerker (Jerkie’s Smokehouse)
- $8.59 for $1.08 worth of product (Muckfudder’s)
- Battered Bulb Bites (J.R. McFadden’s)
- Young’un Onion (Johnny Cakes-Kid’s Menu Only)
- Batter Up-ion (WangDiddlers)
As soon as I receive an acceptable substitute name I will continue with the processing of your order. Thank you again and I look forward to our ongoing partnership!
You ever read any Nietzsche? Nietzsche says there’s two kinds of people in the world: people who are destined for greatness like Walt Disney… and Hitler. Then there’s the rest of us, he called us “the bungled and the botched.” We get teased. We sometimes get close to greatness, but we never get there. We’re the expendable masses. We get pushed in front of trains, take poison aspirin… get gunned down in Dairy Queens.
Jack Lucas (drunk and talking to a Pinocchio doll) in “The Fisher King.”
Maggie Simpson as Maggie Roark, a reference to The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand.
In the final tale, Maggie is depicted as “Maggie Roark,” representing Howard Roark from Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead.
Maggie’s architectural brilliance is quashed by an oppressive pre-school teacher (Ellsworth Toohey) who encourages only conformity. She builds several famous landmarks (such as The Taj Mahal in India and The Bird’s Nest in Beijing, China) out of blocks and other toys, all of which are destroyed by Toohey (to the strains of Beethoven’s 9th symphony, 2nd movement) who disapproves of the superiority of her creations over those of the other children. During a Parents’ Day at Mediocri-Tots Day Care Center, Maggie dazzles everyone with her rendition of the Empire State Building and ends up on trial for expressing herself. During the trial, Maggie (voiced by Jodie Foster) defends herself by stating that the creative people of her time have never compromised their talent for the sake of others and neither will she. Years later, Maggie is shown as a successful architect who opens a daycare center dedicated to letting babies express themselves freely.
The Fountainhead was a huge influence on me in college. I never got into the whole right wing objectivist thing, but the whole idea of greatness being squashed by those who dwell willingly in a world of mediocrity struck a nerve.
“The Cult of the Amateur,” by Andrew Keen, which argues that Web 2.0 is creating a “digital forest of mediocrity” and substituting ill-informed speculation for genuine expertise.
Meaghan (via nickdouglas)
“A Digital Forest Of Mediocrity”. i want that on a tshirt.
also remember when Meaghan would just blog about boys and now she’s kind of like the Suze Orman of Web 2.0?
I agreed totally. Until I started blogging. My presence alone has raised the bar.
Actually, the devaluation of expertise goes beyond web 2.0 and is a big part of the whole “Myth of the Team” thing I’m working on. The good news is I believe that things do tend to swing, and pretty soon there will begin to be a clear delineation on the web between the people who know what they’re talking about and the sea of loud, uninformed opinions. People hunger for light in the darkness. We just haven’t figured out how to light the candles yet.
Now if only we could get people to start valuing experts in the real world.