Well, That's Just Great
Her: Do you think maybe you're having a midlife crisis?
Me: What exactly constitutes a midlife crisis?
Her: Things like feeling bored with stuff that used to interest you, questioning the choices you've made in your life, feeling worthless, being anxious about the future, or feeling depressed when you think about your life.
Me: ...
Her: What?
Me: I think I've been having a midlife crisis continuously since I turned 15.
It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.
Muhammad Ali



yeah. this realization is what saved me.


(Source: maliatastes)

The rules you were given were the rules that worked for the person who created them.
Ellen Langer, Ph.D. (via sgreer)
I wake up every morning not sure if today will be one of those days where I will be deeply saddened by how judgmental and selfish we have all become and I will wish we could all just show a little bit more understanding and patience towards one another or if it will be one of those days where I believe with all my heart that I need to have the right to punch you in the kidneys if you’re in front of me at Chipotle and you don’t know how to order.
Why I don't have many friends.
Me (Inner Monologue): Wow. This person is awesome. We're so compatible. We could be such great friends!
Me (Out Loud): Oh look! Have you ever seen this (points to DVD of favorite movie)?
Her: Yeah. It was okay. A little weird though. I just didn't get it.
Me: ...
Me (Inner Monologue): How did it take me this long to realize she was a moron?
You can never laugh too much or have too many orgasms.
Michael Faudet  (via michaelfaudet)

FYI: This rule does not apply at job interviews.

I really wanted to be a funeral director too.


Sometimes I wish I was a professional wrestler. But then I realize all I really want is to be allowed to work in my underwear.
Sure, you can say I fucked up again.

But I prefer to think of it as “I’m a Dumbass (Reprise).”