While he has thus far chosen to not be a dick during Sandy, the RomBot 2000 is still lying about Jeep in those commercials so fuck him. Ag @anthonygiffen
I’ve decided I can watch “Forrest Gump” anytime it is on as long as I allow myself to believe that Forrest doesn’t just have a low IQ, rather he is also either delusional or a pathological liar. Maybe both.
He never met Presidents, never went to Vietnam. He lived in Alabama his whole life and made shit up.
The game is figuring out what is real. Every story he tells is bullshit, but I think he really does go and see Jenny and I believe they get married at the end. And “Lieutenant Dan” is there, but maybe he was his parole officer and he projected him into the stories. The rest? Unless it happened in Alabama, I think it’s all in his head. Zemeckis even clues us in when the guy at the bus stop calls out Forrest for telling “whoppers!”
Or maybe I’m just looking for an excuse to not feel bad about watching Forrest Gump.
|—||Dan Patrick making it clear that he doesn’t care about player safety. Unless they get nice and disabled because then he could do a real good interview and maybe get some ratings. If you cared about player safety you would do a story about the effectiveness of changes. Did decreasing the number of run backs on kickoffs significantly decrease the number of extremely violent collisions without decreasing the number of 80 plus yard plays over a season? What? You don’t know? All you know is that there were ONLY 400 plus kickoffs returned last year and you think it might have cost you a few replays on your crappy Sunday Night show? Well I UNDERSTAND sports broadcasting. I’m all for it. But fuck you.|
Me: Where’s Ducky?
Me: Where are you?
Me: Are you under the bed?
Me: Ducky, come.
Ducky: No. You’re going to give me a bath.
Me: I’m going to give you a treat!
Ducky: Instead of a bath?
Me: Ducky want a treat?
Ducky: Nice try, old man.
“Come see the Three Legged Man!”
The freak show at the circus is always such a disappointment.
Three Legged Man, my ass.
He just wore a boot and an extra pant leg on his dick.
“Come see the Big Dicked Liar” is what the the sign should say.
Wow! Look! Yet another event where Lindsey Vonn doesn’t win the gold but still finds a way to get her insincere kisser in front of a camera.
Attention American companies: I would like to proactively announce that I will be boycotting any product that uses this self absorbed, self promoting tool as a spokesperson. Planning to make her the new Suzy Chaffee? I will have bloody, chapped lips for the rest of my life. Paste her face on Massengill boxes? I will remain thoroughly not-so-fresh. Hire her to do commercials for Smith and Wesson? I will commit to only knifing my enemies.
In other words, I don’t care for her.
So I decided that with my natural Pro-Conan tendencies I should give Leno a look with fresh eyes.
Jay Leno and Terry Bradshaw…yes, TERRY BRADSHAW, fake improvise through a routine where they answer questions from the audience. Hilarity does not ensue (despite the donkey-like laughs from the vapid drones in the audience).
For those who aren’t aware, this is how Leno and his hack writing crew craft crap like this.
- Audience submits questions while in line (this step is optional).
- Writers select questions or write new ones.
- Writers write “funny” answers.
- Questions given to audience members.
- Answers given to Jay and Terry (or put on teleprompter).
- Jay and Terry act like the questions surprise them, ad lib some annoying patter and banter, and deliver the punchline.
- Audience instructed to laugh.
- Audience laughs.
- Grand finale with Terry “surprising” Jay with a picture of Jay from the 70s.
- Shockingly, somehow Jay is prepared with a “surprising” picture of Terry from the same time period.
- Anthony dies inside just a little more.
I swear that when I die, and God finds my agnosticism less than endearing, this WILL be my hell. I will be forced to watch this for eons in a crowd full of screeching, hooting, wooing “comedy fans.”
I can put up with Jay’s awful, vapid interview style.
I have accepted how he rapes the art of comedy nightly (“Hey look! How many years has it been? But he’s still doing OJ Simpson and Bill Clinton blow job jokes! Wow!”)
But keep your hack hands off improvisation, Jay. Stop perverting the art. You have no right.