At the grocery store. Orange juice was available as:
- No Pulp
- With Pulp
- MORE Pulp
- LOADED With Pulp
They did not have the other levels which are, in order of increasing pulpitude:
- Loaded With Even More Pulp
- Extra Loaded With Lots Of Pulp
- Holy Shit, That’s A Lot Of Pulp
- Seriously. There’s A Lot Of Pulp In This Motherfucker.
- Stop Fucking With Me. Who Would Want This Much Pulp?
- I’m Not Fucking With You. There’s So Much God Damned Pulp In This Sumbitch That You Should Forget A Straw Because You’ll Need A Fucking Ladle.
- Screw The Ladle. Get A Carving Knife.
- No Longer Juice. Slightly Damp Pulp.
- An Orange
awlekrjawlejrlwejrwlr woh my god
It’s making the rounds again. I guess I would have been better off turning this post into a book.
Don’t tell Ducky.
Inky misses me (or misses sucking on my face).
I am honestly unsure if I am being asked if I am a “bottom line” kind of guy or if I’m being asked if I have ass creases.
The kinds of conversations we have
Me: So, kids are potty trained at like, what, two?
Gizmo: I guess. Two or three.
Me: Wow. So when you have a kid you are committing to wiping another human being's ass for three years?
Me: And this is a human being you've never even met!
Gizmo: Uh huh.
Me: It's not like your brother calls you and says, "I need to ask a favor. Will you wipe my ass for three years?" No this is like, "Hey, you know when you told the RA that you wanted a roommate? Well he's moving in with you in nine months and you'll need to wipe his ass whenever he poops until the end of his junior year."
Me: Parents are insane.
Hmmm. We may be having difficulty communicating due to generational differences or perhaps how our diverse life experiences have shaped our unique world views but I’m willing to wager that the real issue is that you’re just a self absorbed douche.
No one loves Dead Mickey as much as his best girl, Zombie Minnie! #creepy #disney
tumblr is for rebloging cute things not posting selfies all the time
By posting my selfies I am enabling others to reblog cute things.
To everyone who uses the phrase, “I didn’t know whether to crap or wind my watch!”
If you’re ever on the fence…
wind your watch.