So I don’t think those free condoms universities hand out suck as much as guys say they do.
Okay, but seriously. If you’re ever considering sexy times with a guy and he tells you that he can’t wear a condom there is a 100.3% chance that he is a liar, and you should definitely not have sex with him. Don’t have sex with liars. Have sex with a cute honest people that bring you ice cream the next morning. Liars do not bring you ice cream. And if they do it’s ice cream made of lies. Ice cream made of lies is very emotionally unfulfilling. Don’t trust liars or their disease-ridden ice cream.
Okay. These posts make the rounds all the time here on tumblr. Condom use makes sense and if men don’t want to wear them and their partners want them to, that’s a problem. But I just can’t take the stupidity of the people who think these kinds of stress tests prove anything.
If men don’t like to use condoms it’s generally because sex doesn’t feel as good with one on. This argument is not counteracted by showing them that the material from which they are made apparently has the tensile strength of a bicycle tire. My **** won’t break through one of those either. Doesn’t mean I want to wear one during sex.
You know how small water balloons look uninflated? Now think about how big they get when filled. A filled water balloon is much bigger than your finger. So put a water balloon on your finger and see how long until the decreased circulation starts making things feel unpleasant. Now I’m not saying that it would make things so unpleasant that it would make sense to refuse to point with that finger. But it’s not insane for someone to think, “I kinda’ wish I could point at stuff without a water balloon on my finger.”
Here’s the right way to approach it. “I understand that this is something you’d rather not do. I understand it makes the experience a bit less enjoyable. But it’s important to me. And I don’t feel comfortable doing this without a condom.” And if the two of you can’t come to an agreement that you both feel okay with on something like this THEN YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN’T BE HAVING SEX WITH EACH OTHER.
And for the 15 year olds who appear to get all of their sexual education from posts like this, a little reality check. Condoms break. All the time. Have a backup plan.
Maybe a water balloon.
Howard The Duck
It’s probably not a good thing that I first learned about condoms from “Howard the Duck.”
But Lea Thompson…that was a good thing.
You may THINK she’s just your gal…
That awkward moment you’re cleaning your purse and find two condoms…..but have no idea why or how they got in there….
Count your blessings, Brit. There are worse places to find two condoms and have to ask yourself “How did they get in there?”
GOODNIGHT, EVERYONE!!!! TIP YOUR SERVERS!!!!!!
Remember, never use a condom with:
- Cool Whip
- Hand Lotion
- Motor Oil
- Suntan Lotion
- Baby Oil
Tee Hee. Sandpaper.
Effective satiric safe sex message is effective and satiric.
I only wear extra large condoms.
But I wear them as swim caps.
Since I started running again, I needed to by some Lotrimin to nip some jock itch in the bud. How embarrassing!
To minimize my embarrassment at the register I picked up a few other items I needed so the Lotrimin would just blend in and save me an awkward exchange with the cashier at Target.
Whew! I’m a smarty!
buy condoms with your significant other is the most embarrassing thing ever.
Buying them with your mom is worse.
Buying them with your significant other AND your mom is even worse.
But buying them with your significant other who IS your mom is the absolute worse.
Advertising to English Dictionary
- New & Improved!
- You know how our product sucked? It sucks in a different way now!
- Value Sized
- New Concentrated Formula!
- We will now be charging you more for less. And while we tell you it will last longer, we know you will accidentally use the same amount as when you buy the non concentrated formula thus driving incremental sales, sucker.
- Eat all you want, fat ass!
- "Ultra" looked good in that font.
- Satisfaction Guaranteed or your Money Back!
- You lack the patience and intelligence to follow through with the steps that would be necessary to get your money back so we have no concerns with offering you a refund if you are not satisfied, rube.
- Guaranteed 100% Organic!
- Hey! Did you know that if we put “Guaranteed 100% Organic” on the package people will pack 20% more for the same product?
- Ribbed for her pleasure!
- Your **** is small and unpleasant. Wrapping it in this makes it less so.
According to a new study, men are twice as likely to remove a condom halfway through sex if the fit isn’t snug.
Many men refuse condoms because of poor fit: study
Sorry, baby. I need to risk impregnating you and possibly passing my raucous venereal disease to you because my tiny little penis is sliding around in this normal sized condom.
Reason number 827 why I’m glad I’m not a woman. Ag