Rewind Sunday: “I’m More Of An NFL Guy” Edition
 

wellthatsjustgreat:

I admit I am not a fan, but watching the tournament I must admit I have identified a few simple changes that would greatly improve the game.

• Replace the hoop with an oversized waste paper basket. And replace the ball with wadded up paper. Trust me. This set-up has held my interest for HOURS at work.
• If you keep the hoop, make it much wider. Like 20 feet in diameter. And lower it to about three feet off the ground. Many more shots would go in. Am I the only one who notices that the height and diameter of the rim is making this game unnecessarily challenging?
• Allow the fans to vote via text message on how many points each basket is worth. Interactivity is all the rage! It makes EVERYTHING better. Who wants to just WATCH a game?
• What’s with all the bouncing? Very distracting and disrespectful. If it was your baby would you be bouncing it up and down on the floor all night? I didn’t think so. 
• Every time a rule eliminates some kind of dangerous activity in the NFL, immediately begin awarding points for the activity in basketball. Five points for clipping. Twenty-five points for hitting someone with the crown of your helmet. Oh, yeah. Some folks should wear helmets. Only about half though. The half who plan on hitting people.
• During all games I should either be supplied with free food or sex (sex price negotiable). If guaranteed this I would watch more games. At least until I ended up sleepy.
• The game should never be played in Wyoming. They have trouble counting by twos. 

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to work on my dribbling. Where is that napkin?

Ag

A few observations:

1. One should never utter the phrase, “I need to get this surgical procedure done by September 13th because that’s when my coupon expires.”
2. If you weigh “160 lbs or less” you don’t need &@%!ing liposuction!
3. “$1500 per area” with a “Minimum 2 areas or more to qualify.” Okay. But can I go in with a friend and get my gut done if she gets her left ass cheek sucked?
4. Can I get my left ass cheek sucked? Not as a surgical procedure, I’m just very lonely.
5. Since it doesn’t say “Minimum 2 areas” to qualify for the breast augmentation, could someone get one tit done for $2100 and just commit to always positioning herself at a 45 degree or greater angle when talking to people? 
6. Could the person in number 5 respond to people who ask if one tit is smaller than the other by saying, “No. The one that seems smaller is just further away.”?

2y0ung2di3:

don’t get a tattoo

Rewind Sunday: The “&@#$ You! I Thought They Were Good!” Edition.

wellthatsjustgreat:

I do not understand the logic behind the bins of $4.99 and $9.99 movies at Best Buy. I have never in my life gone, “I’m in the mood for a movie. Drama, comedy, romance: It doesn’t matter. All I know for sure is I want it to be a movie that costs $4.99. I’m in the mood for a $4.99 movie.”

I kinda’ get when they’re at least lined up so you can scan the titles. Then you can see if there’s one that you like that’s a good deal. But the actual dump bin of movies with multiple copies of some, single copies of others, I just don’t get. You don’t go to the grocery store and find a $4.99 bin where you dig through:

“Hmmm…box of linguini, bag of clementines, pound of ground chuck, another box of linguini, OH! IS THAT…no…just another box of linguini turned the other way. Can of soda, another box of linguini…darn…I want to eat something that costs $4.99 tonight but the selection here is really limited.”

And invariably, I am looking for a movie that I have convinced myself “should” be on sale for $4.99. So I dig and dig and dig and take them out and stack them beside the bin and get pissed and give up. And then eventually I find it elsewhere and just get annoyed because it’s $6.99 which suddenly seems like an OUTRAGEOUS price!

It’s one thing if it’s not your business. But if you have a movie section, put the movies in it! You have shelves and shelves of movies alphabetized within genres. It is a solid system. That would be an ideal place to put all of your movies! If I go into a colon cleansing clinic and they’re selling “Point Break”, “Road House”, “SNL’s Best of Chris Farley” and several other items featuring Patrick Swayze out of a big cardboard box, fine. They may need their shelving for colostomy bags and air fresheners and whatnot. The bin may be their best option and a good way to drive impulse buys at the register as folks settle up with their Cleansing Technician and Post Treatment Swabber. But Best Buy HAS A MOVIE SECTION.

Sorry. I think I just miss my Suncoast Motion Picture Company. Stupid Florida.

Ag

romancecomics:

Romantic Story #92

So I finally understand romance! What women really want is for me to kiss them and hold them underwater until they drown.

Thank you, comic books, for once again teaching me what my parents never did.

So, any of you pretty ladies on tumblr care to visit the beach?

Ag

kayfabe:

Aw, he looks so sad.

Me: Titanic 2: This Time It’s Personal
Bob: Titanic 2: Back to Baghdad
Me: Titanic 2: Sometimes They Come Back For More
Bob: Titanic 2: Electric Boogaloo
Me: Titanic 2: Let’s Get This Party Started
Bob: Titanic 2: Adrians Revenge
Me: Titanic 2: The Ride
Bob: Titanic 2: Titanicer
Me: Titanic 2: Judgment Day
Bob: Titanic 2: We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

Titanic 2: On The Rocks

Titanic 2: Icebergier

Titanic 2: Spilled Seamen

Titanic 2: Our Second Choice Was “Hindenburg of the Sea!”

Titanic 2: A Wet Dream Becomes a Wet Nightmare.

Titanic 2: “Hold On, My Ass! You Pushed Me Off That Door, Bitch!”: The Jack Story.

Titanic 2: Everything But The Kitchen Sinks.

Titanic 2: Titanic 3, The Prequel

Ag

We don’t want 3-D TV.  

Just stop.

Sincerely,

Just about everyone.

Got to try “Sugus” today, imported Argentinian version of Starburst.

Pro: Exotic

Con: Spearmint flavored Starburst is a crime against nature.

GPOYAMAVPCIRHW

(Gratuitous Picture Of You Almost Making A Very Poor Choice In Running Headgear Wednesday)