I don’t know if it’s good that so many restrooms now have these baby strangling stations.
Ag
Smile Friday: My Older Brother And Me.
On the positive side, I was adorable.
Negatively, I am getting dangerously close to that body type again!
Ag
I know “What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas” but I still don’t approve of a nanny service in the middle of the road.
On a related note, I wouldn’t use Google Maps to plan a surgical strike on Taliban headquarters if I were you. It claims that it is located at The Wynn.
Ag
(Source: sillystupid)
I’m going to Vegas, Baby!
Looks like I’m going to take my first trip to Sin City. But, um, I don’t gamble. At least not much. And I’m going to be there with my best friend for about five days. So I would love suggestions on things to do.
We have lots of ideas already but would love your thoughts on cheesy-touristy fun, hidden treasures, good shows or restaurants, outdoorsy beauty, cool day trips, or what have you!
So, thoughts?
Ag
PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKEEEEE!!!!!!
What a bullshit, contrived, meant-to-make-people-think-he’s-deep answer. Hey, Cooper, since you knew the question was coming and have been prepared for it for years now (P.S. Mr. Lipton, no one answers those questions in the moment anymore), what other crappy answers did you and your handlers consider before landing on that?
What sound or noise do you love?
- The sound of a baby laughing.
- An infant suckling his mother’s tit.
- The sound of someone not calling me “Whatshisname.”
- The sound of my “Leave-Just-The-Right-Amount-Of-Socially-Acceptable-Beard-Stubble” electric razor.
- The silence that exists when someone reconsiders calling me a douche.
- Being told that Ryan Reynolds backed out of a role and they’re considering me since I’ll cost half as much.
Sincerely,
Ag
Ducky: Thanks, Daddy.
Me: For what?
Ducky: For taking me out.
Me: Kinda’ gotta, Ducky. You need to go potty.
Ducky: I know. But I can tell you don’t always want to. Especially when you’re comfy on the couch or in the daddy bed.
Me: It’s my job, Ducky. It’s what daddies do.
Ducky: Why didn’t you and mommy ever get one of those human doggies?
Me: …
Ducky: …
Me: You mean have a baby?
Ducky: Yeah. They seem very popular.
Me: They are. Just wasn’t right for your mom and me. And honestly I never thought I’d be a very good daddy.
Ducky: Why?
Me: Lots of reasons. I’m pretty selfish. Fairly lazy. I don’t make a lot of money. And then there are all of the things about me that don’t need to be passed on into the gene pool. I think I would feel awful if I created another depressed, anxious, underachieving loner. I can handle being unhappy. I don’t think I could handle having created an unhappy child.
Ducky: Oh. So all those people with human doggies decided to get them because they thought that they’d make great mommies and daddies?
Me: A lot of them did. But I think usually the condom just breaks.
Ducky: What does that mean?
Me: Never mind.
Ducky: You’re a good daddy to me, Daddy.
Me: You don’t always think so.
Ducky: You want consistent emotion, get a hamster.
Me: Fair enough.
Ducky: You’re a good daddy to me. Thanks for being my daddy.
Me: Thanks, Duck.
Ducky: Happy Daddies Day, Daddy. I love you.
Me: Thanks, Duck. I love you too.
Ag
