Best Buy Employee: Can I help you, sir?
Me: Yes. I’m not completely satisfied with my new iPhone.
Best Buy Employee: Too long? Too thin? Not enough heft?
Me: No. It’s just that this new iPhone seems to have been made with absolutely no thought to how I am supposed to transport my favorite dust particles and air bubbles with me over the next two years.
Best Buy Employee: Ah! We have something that can take care of that!
This is why I don't talk to people.
Her: So are you getting the new iPhone?
Me: *sigh* Yes. I was due for an upgrade and the plus meets my n...
Her: OH MY GOD! DID YOU HEAR THAT THEY BEND?! YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T TEXT ONE HANDED WITH IT?! WHY WOULD ANYONE GET ONE?! IT'S SO DOUCHE-Y!
Her: AND YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY CAN'T STAND?!
Me: How Apple folks are always talking about how great the iPhone is?
Me: You know I didn't actually bring up...
If you’re really mad about the free U2 album on your iPhone…
you’re officially LOOKING for things to get upset over.
How to be a douche-y Apple hater with minimal effort
Hey! Are you on the internet and want to shit on whatever new product Apple is releasing without actually needing to put much thought or effort into forming the critique? Have no fear! Just remember that you can always be effortlessly douche-y and smug by relying on the three standard responses to any feature the people might like.
1) If anyone anywhere ever had a similar feature it is invalid because it’s not innovative. “Pfffft! Customizable wristbands! Samsung’s watch already has those! And a heart rate monitor? Who cares?! I can get my pulse at that machine at the grocery store any day I want FOR FREE!”
2) If anything is “missing” the product is worthless, and anything you can possibly think of can be “missing.” “The AppleWatch measures heart rate but not blood sugar?! Guess Apple doesn’t care about my diabetes! And it doesn’t even have a full sized keyboard and subwoofer! Good luck writing a screenplay and fully enjoying the score to ‘Jurassic Park’ with that!”
3) And when all else fails, remember that if you personally don’t want it, won’t use it, or don’t understand it, then it should not exist. “Um. I can already text from my phone. Thanks but no thanks Apple! And by the way, who are these lemmings buying all these motorcars? My donkey gets me to the town square to sell my corn brooms just fine thank you very much!”
STEVE JOBS IS ALIVE AND COHOSTING WITH SAVANNAH GUTHRIE! #macys #thanksgiving #parade
I guess that’s what they sell at the Apple Store.
I don’t think I want to eat anything from Hot Topic.
Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.
Almost everything—all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure—these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.
Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
Look at that! It’s the very first iPod!
Guest at the Smithsonian American History Museum looking at a display clearly marked “iPod-4th Generation.”
I have been in Hell. And while there it was my job to get Siri to find a Pei Wei.