you’re officially LOOKING for things to get upset over.
Hey! Are you on the internet and want to shit on whatever new product Apple is releasing without actually needing to put much thought or effort into forming the critique? Have no fear! Just remember that you can always be effortlessly douche-y and smug by relying on the three standard responses to any feature the people might like.
1) If anyone anywhere ever had a similar feature it is invalid because it’s not innovative. “Pfffft! Customizable wristbands! Samsung’s watch already has those! And a heart rate monitor? Who cares?! I can get my pulse at that machine at the grocery store any day I want FOR FREE!”
2) If anything is “missing” the product is worthless, and anything you can possibly think of can be “missing.” “The AppleWatch measures heart rate but not blood sugar?! Guess Apple doesn’t care about my diabetes! And it doesn’t even have a full sized keyboard and subwoofer! Good luck writing a screenplay and fully enjoying the score to ‘Jurassic Park’ with that!”
3) And when all else fails, remember that if you personally don’t want it, won’t use it, or don’t understand it, then it should not exist. “Um. I can already text from my phone. Thanks but no thanks Apple! And by the way, who are these lemmings buying all these motorcars? My donkey gets me to the town square to sell my corn brooms just fine thank you very much!”
I guess that’s what they sell at the Apple Store.
I don’t think I want to eat anything from Hot Topic.
Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.
Almost everything—all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure—these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.
Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
|—||Guest at the Smithsonian American History Museum looking at a display clearly marked “iPod-4th Generation.”|
When reality looks like a fucked up Apple Map.
This is brilliant. Kubrick would be proud.
"50 Secrets Your Vet Won’t Tell You."
1. Your dog smells awful.
2. “Abstinence-Only” education is as effective as neutering.
3. Advantage Flea Control is as expensive as it is because the money goes to flea crime lords who then focus their attention on dogs where they aren’t getting “protection money.”
4. Dogs lick their butts because dog poop tastes like Godiva Chocolate.
5. Vets request fecal samples because of number four.
6. FDR knew the Japanese were about to attack Pearl Harbor.
7. Your children are ugly.
8. Vets can tell if you masturbate without getting your pets out of the room.
9. Apple is already suffering from a lack of creativity and vision since the death of Steve Jobs.
10. Ant-Man will be in “The Avengers” this May.
11. Veterinarians are organizing a midnight raid of the headquarters of “1-800-PET MEDS.”
12. “Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom” is worse than “Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull.”
13.Your cat really, truly, without a shadow of a doubt does not give a shit about you.
14. The fourteenth item on any list is usually filler.
15. Your dog feels that a leash demeans you both…
16. Yet it loves wearing sweaters. Seriously.
17. Your texting and driving is freaking out your cat.
18. Your hamster wishes to stop being referred to as a “disposable pet.”
19. The goldfish won at fairs have an average lifespan greater that those of Galapagos Tortoises.
20. That Galapagos Tortoise at the fair can’t be won without trading in four smaller animals.
21. And that basketball hoop is smaller than it looks. And bouncy.
22. A blog post based on a list of fifty items seems like a good idea when you get started, but then gets less and less satisfying.
23. Bo Obama is not a purebred. Have you seen his AKC papers?
48. It is easy to lose count.
49. People usually don’t notice.
50. It’s the thought that counts.