Introducing…
Pander Bear!
Because I continue to need to amuse myself.
Ag
Ducky: How you doin’?
Scooter: …
Ducky: Comfy up there?
Scooter: …
Ducky: Up on the sofa.
Scooter: …
Ducky: I’m not allowed up there.
Scooter: …
Ducky: So you have that going for you.
Scooter: …
Ducky: …
Scooter: …
Ducky: Sleep with one eye open, cat.
Scooter: …
Ducky: Sphinx.
Ag
Me: …
Ducky: …
Me: …
Ducky: You were gone for a long time, Daddy.
Me: No, actually just 12 hours. No longer than most days.
Ducky: …
Me: …
Ducky: But you got us up at a weird time.
Me: That’s true. Was running a marathon, remember?
Ducky: Oh, yeah.
Me: …
Ducky: The penguin started it. I had to finish it.
Me: I don’t think so, Ducky. And that penguin was a gift.
Ducky: Thank you.
Me: Not for YOU, Ducky. For me.
Ducky: Oh.
Me: This was willful insubordination and destruction of property.
Ducky: You’ve been in Human Resources too long.
Me: …
Ducky: I lov…
Me: Why do you destroy that which I love?
Ducky: If this was a novel I would be but an extension of your subconscious. I’m not destroying that which you love. YOU are. THROUGH me.
Me: …
Ducky: Ok. The googly eyes freaked me out and once I started it was oh so destructible.
Me: At least that’s the truth.
Ducky: I’m going to be locked up whenever you leave from now on aren’t I?
Me: Until I forget to keep doing it.
Ducky: Oh, good. You forget a lot these days.
Me: …
Ducky: I love you, Daddy.
Me: *sigh* I love you Ducky.
Ag
Yesterday’s new Ducky post at wellthatsjustducky:
Ducky: What’s wrong, Daddy?
Me: Oh, just thinking.
Ducky: Looks like it hurts.
Me: Sometimes it does.
Ducky: What are you thinking about?
Me: Why I’m here.
Ducky: Because I’m here. And there’s no carpet in the kitchen.
Me: I don’t mean the living room.
Ducky: …
Me: I used to think I knew what I was good at; what I was supposed to be doing with my life.
Ducky: I assume this period of keen self-awareness was before you found me?
Me: …
Ducky: Because I can’t remember you ever being…
Me: Fine. Maybe I wasn’t sure of my purpose. But I was more confident than I am now that I was at least moving in the right direction. Now, I don’t know.
Ducky: …
Me: …
Ducky: Because I’m here.
Me: What?
Ducky: You’re my Dad. That’s why you’re here.
Me: …
Ducky: And for the Lady. And to a lesser extent that cat.
Me: That’s not what I mean.
Ducky: Maybe it should be.
Me: …
Ducky: I know I’m happier when you’re around. Not every doggie has that.
Me: …
Ducky: And you’re happier when we’re around. Not every daddy has that.
Me: No. And I haven’t always had that.
Ducky: No. But you have it now.
Me: …
Ducky: Sorry that you don’t know exactly where you’re going. But when you take me for a ride in the car, I never know exactly where we’re going either.
Me: But you’re still always happy.
Ducky: Yup. Because when I get there, I’ll be with you.
Me: …
Ducky: I love you, Ducky.
Me: I love you, Daddy.
Ag
Scooter alerted us to a palmetto bug in the house.
Me: Thanks for the alert, cat. Next time kill it, don't just look at it and swat at it.
Her: She did more than Ducky.
Me: That's not his job. His job is to look scary if a human enters the house. The cat's job is to hunt and kill bugs.
Her: Why is that her job?
Me: If that's not her job how exactly is she contributing?
Her: ...
Me: ...
Her: It's a fair question. We'll work on it.
Ducky: Hey, Temporary Lady.
The Lady’s Sister: …
Ducky: Hear anything from the Daddy and The Lady?
The Lady’s Sister: …
Ducky: You okay, Temporary Lady?
The Lady’s Sister: …
Ducky: …
The Lady’s Sister: …
Ducky: Oh my God. You don’t understand me!!!
The Lady’s Sister: ….
Ducky: How could the Daddy do this?! What if I need something?! What if I want a fuzzy?! What if…
The Lady’s Sister: Ducky want a treat?
Ducky: …
The Lady’s Sister: …
Ducky: You get me. You so get me.
Ducky: You seem tense.
Me: …
Ducky: Tough day at…
Me: You bit me!
Ducky: …
Me: …
Ducky: Doesn’t sound like me.
Me: You bit my foot!
Ducky: Witnesses?
Me: The Lady saw you do it.
Ducky: Did she see me do it, or did she just hear you scream and says she saw me do it?
Me: …
Ducky: Perhaps SHE did it!
Me: You did it.
Ducky: Did what?
Me: You bit my foot!
Ducky: Possibly. But why bring it up now after all these years?
Me: Seconds.
Ducky: Really? Seemed longer. But dogs have no sense of …
Me: Never bite me again!
Ducky: …
Me: …
Ducky: You talking to me or the Lady?
Me: …
Ducky: I guess that would be me.
Me: …
Ducky: …
Me: …
Ducky: On an unrelated note, did you ever notice that your foot in a sock looks a lot like a fuzzy?
Me: …
Ducky: I love you, Daddy.
Me: I love you, Ducky.
“50 Secrets Your Vet Won’t Tell You.”
1. Your dog smells awful.
2. “Abstinence-Only” education is as effective as neutering.
3. Advantage Flea Control is as expensive as it is because the money goes to flea crime lords who then focus their attention on dogs where they aren’t getting “protection money.”
4. Dogs lick their butts because dog poop tastes like Godiva Chocolate.
5. Vets request fecal samples because of number four.
6. FDR knew the Japanese were about to attack Pearl Harbor.
7. Your children are ugly.
8. Vets can tell if you masturbate without getting your pets out of the room.
9. Apple is already suffering from a lack of creativity and vision since the death of Steve Jobs.
10. Ant-Man will be in “The Avengers” this May.
11. Veterinarians are organizing a midnight raid of the headquarters of “1-800-PET MEDS.”
12. “Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom” is worse than “Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull.”
13.Your cat really, truly, without a shadow of a doubt does not give a shit about you.
14. The fourteenth item on any list is usually filler.
15. Your dog feels that a leash demeans you both…
16. Yet it loves wearing sweaters. Seriously.
17. Your texting and driving is freaking out your cat.
18. Your hamster wishes to stop being referred to as a “disposable pet.”
19. The goldfish won at fairs have an average lifespan greater that those of Galapagos Tortoises.
20. That Galapagos Tortoise at the fair can’t be won without trading in four smaller animals.
21. And that basketball hoop is smaller than it looks. And bouncy.
22. A blog post based on a list of fifty items seems like a good idea when you get started, but then gets less and less satisfying.
23. Bo Obama is not a purebred. Have you seen his AKC papers?
48. It is easy to lose count.
49. People usually don’t notice.
50. It’s the thought that counts.
Ag
I have tried to get people to watch “Babe: Pig In the City,” a film that I believe to be the most underrated piece of cinema in the last twenty years. I’ve never been very successful. It has a lot going against it for people. They think I’m talking about “Babe,” which they saw and liked, or didn’t, but feel no need to see more of that story.” Some hate sequels on principal. Some think it a “kid’s movie” or a gimmicky one about talking animals. It probably doesn’t help that as I sell its virtues I often use terms like “dark but still funny” and “like Willy Wonka, but without music and more disquieting.”
So if you have never seen it, I hope you will. But for those who still won’t give it a shot, I offer this one scene as a great example of why the film is so amazing.
SEMI-SPOILERY BUT IF YOU AREN’T GOING TO GIVE IT A SHOT WHAT DO YOU CARE?
Prior to this scene, there has been a raid. Dozens of stray animals have been rounded up including Flealick, a dog who needs a wheeled cart to travel. Nigel and Alan sacrifice their freedom and allow themselves to be caught to make sure they can look after their hot tempered friend. The raiders have no idea how to deal with a dog that needs a cart, however, and toss him aside, leaving Nigel and Alan imprisoned.
Tiny Flealick attacks the leader of the raiders who have kidnapped his friends, vainly tugging at her skirt and growling as she gets into the vehicle. As the door slams, he refuses to stop fighting and holds onto the skirt as the van speeds off to the lab where pain and death await his friends.
The following scene begins with Babe running after the van and calling out, “Flealick! Flealick! Let go!”
“Let go, Flealick!”
And the scene ends with a beautiful visual response to, “You’re just a little pig in the big city. What can you possibly do? What can anyone do? Why even try!?”
