Well, That's Just Great
62 results for "parenting"
From my “Yes, People Are So Awful That They Actually Needed to Post A Sign” collection. Part of a book that I need to write, “We’re Living In A Society, People!” (at Sweet Tomatoes)

From my “Yes, People Are So Awful That They Actually Needed to Post A Sign” collection. Part of a book that I need to write, “We’re Living In A Society, People!” (at Sweet Tomatoes)

Reason Number 831 To Never Have Kids

Apparently the one hour time shift caused by going to Daylight Savings Time disrupts two parts of the brain. The part of a child’s brain that regulates when they should get up and when they should go to bed and the part of a parent’s brain that makes them think I care.

The kinds of conversations we have
Me: So, kids are potty trained at like, what, two?
Gizmo: I guess. Two or three.
Me: Wow. So when you have a kid you are committing to wiping another human being's ass for three years?
Gizmo: Yup.
Me: ...
Gizmo: ...
Me: And this is a human being you've never even met!
Gizmo: Uh huh.
Me: ...
Gizmo: ...
Me: It's not like your brother calls you and says, "I need to ask a favor. Will you wipe my ass for three years?" No this is like, "Hey, you know when you told the RA that you wanted a roommate? Well he's moving in with you in nine months and you'll need to wipe his ass whenever he poops until the end of his junior year."
Gizmo: ...
Me: Parents are insane.
So Philip Seymour Hoffman overdoses on drugs and kills himself and Broadway honors him by dimming their lights? Great message to send to our kids.

An honest to God, I’m not shitting you, not meant to be funny or ironic post on my Facebook feed tonight.


If I may make a few quick points:

1) Yes. If you die unexpectedly people who worked with you might miss you enough to make a symbolic gesture in your memory. I’m sure thousands of near suicide youngsters who had up until now decided to keep going are instead throwing themselves off rooftops as we speak in hopes that someone will slide the fader switch on the track lights in their homeroom to 50% tomorrow.

2) Could someone provide me a list of ways that someone can die too young that are in the category of “Ways To Die That Don’t Require Me To Hide That I Miss My Friend?” So heroin overdose is obviously out. If you die from that, you’re a piece of shit. Got it. How about cirrhosis? You know, so long term substance abuse that leads to death? Is that an acceptable enough way to die that I’m allowed to make a gesture that implies “Thanks for the good you did and I’m sorry you’re dead?” No? Got it. Excessive alcohol abuse=anything you did that I ever thought was good obviously wasn’t. Okay. I really could use that list.

3) On behalf of all of us…screw your children. Or more precisely, screw you. How about this message it should send to you? “Maybe I should take this moment to talk to my children about how terrible heroin is and how if they ever find themselves enslaved by an addiction to find help and to remember this moment and come to me so something like this never happens to them.” And seriously, “Won’t somebody please think of the children?” is a point that doesn’t show your nobility, it shows your intellectual impotency.

4) You know what message it actually sends to your children? The message that they will respond to with “Philip Who?” They have no idea who he is. Maybe you should be more concerned with the message you’re sending to your kids. The message that they will respond to with, “Why is Daddy so mad at people mourning the loss of a colleague? Is daddy an asshole?”


The most wonderful time of the year!

When all the overprotective parents in their SUVs park all around the entrance to my housing development every school morning to keep their eyes on their precious little butterflies until the bus comes to pick them up. Because:

1) Their spawn can’t walk the two blocks from their house to where the bus picks up. Nope. Must be driven.

2) They must all park there so they can all watch their particular children. No one parent can be entrusted to make sure all of these children can successfully stand around for ten minutes and then step onto a bus.

3) They must park there to keep their children safe…while obstructing the views of cars trying to enter or exit the complex therefore increasing the chance that someone actually does get hurt.

4) They know if they don’t park there one of their kids will so totally get abducted. For sure. Because they swear they heard about that happening once.

People always think I have chosen to not have children because I don’t like children. Nope. I’ve made my choice because I don’t want to become a parent.



Why Having Kids Sucks (18 Pics)

Like I needed further evidence.


Rewind Sunday: Pa Kent Is A Terrible Father Edition

The film has not gotten any better in my memory as the summer has progressed.


I’ll still take a mother T-Rex over the mother of a baby.

I’ll still take a mother T-Rex over the mother of a baby.


(Source: humorstop)

What I Said: Aw!
What I Was Thinking: Hopefully I feigned interest well enough that you can't tell that I find stories of your child's mundane exploits grating beyond all measure. But I also hope I didn't appear so interested that you think it wise to tell me another pointless story about your spawn's charmless mediocrity.
What The Parent Heard: Tell me more!
I like messing with pushy parents with children fetishes
Her: You'd make a great parent.
Me: No. No I wouldn't.
Her: But you're such a great doggie daddy!
Me: Last time I checked I wasn't allowed to crate train children or insist that they poop and pee in the yard.
Her: Oh, but you...
Me: No. Really. You don't understand. I checked.
Her: ...
Me: You want to know what I would be allowed to do?
Her: ...
Me: ...
Her: No.
Me: No...you...don't!