I have decided if Gizmo and ever have a child we’re naming it Kobayashi Maru.
Definitely a no win situation.
10 results for "parenting"
Great Moments In Cluelessness At Panera
Child across from me to brother with iPhone: *snort* You should look at the K-Mart commercial, "Ship Your Pants!"
Mother: What? I don't want you looking at things like that. How did you see that?
Me (inside voice): Perhaps the handheld mini computer in their possession has somehow been configured in such a way so as to allow easy access to video content. I don't blame you for being blindsided. And look out! They have straws which could be utilized to transport liquids from a vessel of some sort into their mouths!
Can’t reblog it from my phone because…well one day I’ll understand why David Karp is the way he is, but…
If you want to know why I accused icommaamboy of being a pot stirrer, search WTJG for “Chipotle.” Then look for the posts about kids on the counter.
Fun fact: parents tend towards being a little defensive.
Ag
Reminder at Bojangles just now of one of the many, many reasons I never want to have children.
I never want to have to give a fuck about whether or not another human being finishes their green beans.
Your child is being eaten by a camel. Do you:
a) save your child
or
b) take a photo.
In their defense, perhaps it wasn’t their child.
Sincerely,
A guy without children but with a camera and camel blog that ain’t gonna write itself.
Some of the reasons co-workers might dislike me.
Her: Did you hear? It's a boy!
Me: What's a boy?
Her: Janice's baby.
Me: Oh.
Her: ...
Me: Was there some ambiguous genitalia or something?
Her: ...
Me: ...
Her: She just had her baby today. It's a boy.
Me: Oh.
Her: ...
Me: Is this where I act like I care about what it weighs?
THIS is Mitt Romney’s MURUHKUH
I think we’re forgetting some very important things here.
- Being a mother is the most importantest, hardest, most awesomest job in, like, the world. Really. It has to be. Because people say so all the time and if you say something like, “Bullshit. I’m pretty sure being a coal miner is harder,” just look at the shit you’ll catch. So how dare any one criticize this woman!
- That woman paid for her food so she can do whatever she wants. Remember, “The Customer Is Always Right.”
- You people without children are always so ridiculous about sanitation and children in restaurants. It’s not like the kid is shitting ON your food. Just NEAR it!
- Society? What’s a society?
Ag
From Fathers Day Last year
Ducky: Thanks, Daddy.
Me: For what?
Ducky: For taking me out.
Me: Kinda’ gotta, Ducky. You need to go potty.
Ducky: I know. But I can tell you don’t always want to. Especially when you’re comfy on the couch or in the daddy bed.
Me: It’s my job, Ducky. It’s what daddies do.
Ducky: Why didn’t you and mommy ever get one of those human doggies?
Me: …
Ducky: …
Me: You mean have a baby?
Ducky: Yeah. They seem very popular.
Me: They are. Just wasn’t right for your mom and me. And honestly I never thought I’d be a very good daddy.
Ducky: Why?
Me: Lots of reasons. I’m pretty selfish. Fairly lazy. I don’t make a lot of money. And then there are all of the things about me that don’t need to be passed on into the gene pool. I think I would feel awful if I created another depressed, anxious, underachieving loner. I can handle being unhappy. I don’t think I could handle having created an unhappy child.
Ducky: Oh. So all those people with human doggies decided to get them because they thought that they’d make great mommies and daddies?
Me: A lot of them did. But I think usually the condom just breaks.
Ducky: What does that mean?
Me: Never mind.
Ducky: You’re a good daddy to me, Daddy.
Me: You don’t always think so.
Ducky: You want consistent emotion, get a hamster.
Me: Fair enough.
Ducky: You’re a good daddy to me. Thanks for being my daddy.
Me: Thanks, Duck.
Ducky: Happy Daddies Day, Daddy. I love you.
Me: Thanks, Duck. I love you too.
Ag
