Well That’s Just Great was born on August 3, 2009. 10,000 posts later, here we are. I’ve been thinking about trying to do one of those milestone posts. I wanted to create one of those deep, funny, touching essays that at my best I do pretty well. I tried to create something that wove together the most significant themes of the last two and a half years: the end of my marriage and my slow recovery, the good and bad of my struggles with my mental health, and of course Ducky. Oh, and one of two “Your Mom” references.

I tried. I really did. But it just didn’t come. I tried to plumb the depths of my journey through divorce. I tried to mine my experiences with depression. I even asked Ducky for a little help.

Nothing.

And while I know posts on all of those things will come again one day, I think it’s telling that they didn’t flow out of me easily. I was in pain two and a half years ago. And that pain grew to be unbearable. Most of my friends in the tumblr community realized that even my Ducky posts were born from a need to talk about everything I was dealing with at a time when I felt like I had no one else who cared. So for two and a half years I have been able to sit down at this computer at any time I chose and the pain would flow into words with little to no effort. 

But not tonight.

Because I’m better.

Not unbroken. Not perfectly healthy. Hell, truth be told I’m actually dealing with a little flare up of my good old “feelings of dread.” Most people looking at me right now wouldn’t say I look “better” at all. I am in my underwear though so hopefully there aren’t too many people looking at me right now. Your mom isn’t even here anymore. She took the money off the dresser and went home.

Nope just better than I was. See, those posts used to flow so easily because they were about who I was. They were reflections of my identity. I was defined by that divorce, that disease, and those introspective journeys through both (with Ducky and without). Now they’re just part of who I am, not the whole of who I am.

Like most of us, I have a long way to go before I become the person I hope I can be. But I’m a lot closer than I was 10,000 posts ago. And I thank everyone; from kayfabe, my first follower; to David Karp and the team at tumblr who provide us with this platform; to every single person who ever spent a few moments reading something I wrote. Thank all of you for helping me to get better. 

Post #1: August 3, 2009-Faking a smile

Post 10,000: January 23, 2012-A real smile. 

I do like bookends.

Ag